Well I have some things I need take off my shoulders and stick into cyberspace. I have never been the amazing writer that my sister is so bear with me. These are the events and circumstances involving the birth of my Lexi. Let the crying commence.
Lexi was not planned. She was an accident, which is a nice word for mistake I suppose. Russ and I have had a roller coaster relationship for the past 6 years and we were in no situation for a baby. I basically freaked out and didn't really know what I was going to do. I was given advice from many people and it left me afraid and confused. But, from the moment I saw her on the sonogram-she looked like a bean with little arms that you could see moving-and saw her heart beating when I was 9 weeks along, I threw out all of my choices because I knew in that instant the only thing I wanted in this world was that little person. All fear and confusion left and I just knew what I had to do. I never planned on children. I was probably the least suited and least likely person to ever want/have a baby. But something miraculous happened in that moment where all selfishness left me and I really took in the weight of the miracle that had just fallen into my lap. Children are truly a gift. I had never understood this before. From that moment every thought I had involved planning on how to make the best life possible for this wonderful miracle.
Side note: Mistake-I think not. I believe nothing in our lives is truly a mistake. It is all meant to happen for a design we don't always understand and cannot always comprehend.
So everything was going fine in my pregnancy. I was healthy. The baby was healthy. Russ and I were trying to make us work for her which was going decently. No. That is a lie. It never went decently. I just pretended it was because I wanted so bad for it to be true because I couldn't go through with this alone. He did a lot of things a man should never do to a woman. Especially a pregnant woman. I won't go into detail. I actually felt more alone during that time than I ever have in my entire life.
So, fast forward to 3 weeks before Lexi was due. I went in to see my super awesome ob/gyn, Dr. C. Dr. C and I had become very close over my pregnancy for several reasons. (1)She was also pregnant and was in fact due 4 days after me. (2)We had both decided to name our daughters Lexi. (3)Dude. She is looking at my personal business on a monthly sometimes weekly basis. (4)I vented to her about all Russ related things and she really helped me through them since he never came with me. So at this appointment she noticed my blood pressure was getting a little high. Nothing too terribly bad, but she ordered me a healthy dose of bed rest for the next week. No problem. I did that and returned the next week so she could check me out to make sure my blood pressure was still ok. When I got to the doctor's office there was a bit of confusion going on. Dr. C's baby had come 2 weeks early and she had given birth that morning. Of course I was excited for her and the nurses reassured me that Lexi Grace and Dr. C were well, but they couldn't get me in for an appointment with any of the other doctors until the following week. So I went back home a little disappointed that Dr. C wouldn't be delivering me and frustrated that I couldn't get in to see a doctor.
I returned the next week on June 29 for my very last check up. As soon as I got there, my favorite nurse took Russ and I to the back examination room and sat us down with a very serious look on her face. She then told us some devastating news. Dr. C's baby had only lived for one day and then died. Tears swelled in my eyes. Lexi Grace had died. A precious, beautiful, innocent baby died. If Dr. C's baby can die, then my baby can die. "What if my baby doesn't make it?" kept swirling around in my head. The doctor came in and checked me over and took my blood pressure and announced that I had preeclampsia and I was to go to the hospital to be induced now. I had no time to think such negative things now. It was time for my Lexi to be born and my condition was critical.
As soon as I got to the hospital they were ready to prep me for delivery. I got there sometime around 4 or 5 in the afternoon. The nurse-who was an incredible and hilarious lady and who got me through the whole thing with a ton of laughter-told me there was no way I would have her tonight since most first time moms are in labor for 12+ hours. She barely gave me the inducing hormones and boom I was ready for my water to be broken. That was a painless procedure, but what happened after that were the most painful contractions. After enduring probably 3 minutes and 30 seconds of them, I was nice and ready for the epidural. Of course the epidural people didn't get there for an hour so I basically told everyone in the room how much I hated them for an hour, cursed Eve, and then went on a spill about how women who do this thing naturally are crazy. Finally the epidural people arrived and I was one happy camper. Before I knew it, it was time for me to begin the pushing. 1 hour of that hard work and my Lexi, 8lbs 3oz, had arrived. For the record: Total delivery time=5 hours. I did not poop on the table.
I was so lucky because my Lexi was as healthy as could be and she was the most beautiful and perfect thing I have ever laid eyes on-squished nose and all. In fact, she was released from the hospital before me. She was released after 2 days and I had to stay there for 4 days. The nurses were great though and let Lexi stay with me as long as Russ was there. I was incredibly sick and very thankful that Russ was there to take care of Lexi while I tried to recover. I couldn't have done it without him. I lost 30 pounds in water and baby while I was there to give you an idea of how swollen and sick I really was.
For the first few weeks of Lexi's life I would hold her and think about how I was given this beautiful blessing that I completely do not deserve. I could not wrap my head around the fact that Dr. C., a wonderful Christian lady, married to a loving husband, planned their beautiful Lexi Grace and their baby was taken from them without explanation and here I am with a beautiful girl that I feel completely unworthy of. I don't understand why certain things happen, but I will tell you this. To this day every time I look at my Lexi I see a bit of the other Lexi Grace in her and I hold her tight and appreciate every second that God is gifting me with of her amazing presence. I will never ever take my Lexi for granted. You never know how much time you have with the people you love. And Lexi is the greatest blessing I have ever been given in my life. Dr. C's Lexi Grace will never be forgotten.
Epilogue:
I have since been back to see Dr. C for my post-pregnancy check up. She returned to work after 6 weeks of being off and she seemed like she was dealing with things as best as anyone could. My blood pressure finally went back down to normal. Lexi is absolutely thriving. Did I mention that I am the most blessed momma on this planet? Russ is now in Oklahoma working. I am doing this whole raising a baby thing on my own (with the help of my in-laws, my momma, 2 awesome baby sitters, Ms. Debbie, and some awesome friends. Thank you all! You all make my life so much easier!) which is something I didn't really plan, but I am making it work. Oh and I'm also a full time student. I am determined to finish my degree so that I can get a really good job to support Lexi. My life is absolutely crazy, but I still absorb each and every moment with my precious baby girl. And when I get frustrated with my situation I stop and remember Lexi Grace and then I remember how incredibly blessed my life is.
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